Fairy Godfather
by FuckMePumps
Summary: Elysia has two fathers, one a little bit more magical than the other. friendship!RoyMaes, hints of Royai and parental!RoyEd. Oneshot.


**In memory of Maes Hughes :)**

-

-

"Hey, Roy! You'll never guess what…"

"You have five seconds to make this call relevant before I hang up, Maes."

"Oh, don't be so cranky! Don't you know how awesome today is?"

"If it were a holiday, Hawkeye wouldn't be holding me hostage with paperwork…"

"Then get off your lazy ass and visit me in Central!"

"Do you have any idea how stupid that idea sounds?"

"Seriously, you need to be here for this!"

"Two seconds before I…"

"Gracia is pregnant, Roy!"

"…what?"

"You heard me! I'm going to be a _daddy_!"

"…"

"So, tell me how you're feeling!"

"…Maes, I'm ecstatic."

"You don't sound like it!"

"Probably would be if you picked a better time to—"

"Especially now that you're going to be someone's _godfather_!"

"WHAT?!"

"You're first in line to be the _fairy_ godfather!"

"But…"

"No buts, Roy. Oh, look, grumpy ole' Gran is coming. See ya!"

"Maes…!"

**-**

**-**

"Hey, Roy, have you…"

"Yes, Maes, I'm quite sure I've seen those photos of Gracia's stomach. Five months, was it?"

"No, silly. These are new. Five months and two days, and from a _different_ angle!"

"I'm surprised Gracia isn't blinded by all those flashes by now…"

"Are you kidding? She loves it!"

"Mm-hmm."

"Very photogenic, my wife."

"Of course, Maes, of course."

"You can't really tell the difference, though."

"And why is that?"

"You don't have one!"

"One what?"

"A wife!"

"Maes, I'm perfectly capable of functioning without…"

"She better be more photogenic than you are, too."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Have you looked at your pictures? You don't know how to smile, Roy..."

"My gloves are right in my pocket, you know…"

"…and you don't have a natural charm, like I do."

"Am I being insulted?"

"…of course, I work better behind the camera."

"A pregnant woman's stomach doesn't really give anyone anything to work with…"

"Why don't you just marry Hawkeye already?"

"I don't think—WHAT?!"

"Oh, you heard me. Wow, I never realized I had so much work to do…"

"Maes, don't…"

"Catch you later, Roy!"

"Maes…!"

**-**

**-**

"Roy, you'll never guess!"

"Then I won't even try."

"Oh, come on. You're being a killjoy."

"Sometimes I don't even know what you want from me…"

"I want your ass over here now!"

"I appreciate the offer Maes, but you're married to a wonderful woman…"

"Oh, _now_ he develops a sense of humor…"

"…who is quite pregnant…"

"Not anymore."

"…what do you mean?"

"She's not pregnant now."

"Did something happen?"

"Sure did!"

"Is Gracia all right?"

"Where'd the conscience come from?"

"Maes, I don't know if this is your coping mechanism to your wife's miscarriage…"

"Miscarriage! You idiot! She didn't_ lose_ the baby!"

"But you said…"

"Well duh, genius. She just gave birth!"

"…wow, then. Congratulations, Maes. You're officially a father."

"You think I don't know that? You'll never guess who delivered her!"

"Don't tell me you attempted to—ah, a baby girl, then…?"

"The Elric brothers!"

"How are the Elrics involved in…"

"And Shou Tucker's daughter!"

"You just lost me, Maes."

"You always were kind of slow."

"Frankly, you're very confusing right now…"

"Oh, just get your ass over here!"

"Isn't Gracia supposed to be the one with the mood swings?"

"I'll explain when you get here, Roy. Goodness gracious, you really have to _see_ her…"

"And watch you fawn in person?"

"She is your daughter too, you know."

"Lost me again, there."

"Come on, godfather! Don't wait until the _baptismal_…"

"Maes, I really don't think…"

"I already told Hawkeye and she'll be coming 'round to pick you up."

"It's _two in the morning_, Maes. The woman needs…"

"Oh, now you're concerned about her?"

"She _is_ my subordinate, and she needs the proper amount of sleep to—"

"I hear a doorbell ringing! See you in a few!"

"Wait, Maes…!"

-

-

"She's perfect, isn't she?"

"Maes, do peel your face off the glass. You're scaring the nurses."

"You know they're thinking it!"

"Really, that's not the point…"

"You're thinking it too!"

"I'm not an expert on baby aesthetics, but…"

"Oh, come on, just say it!"

"She's a beautiful creation, Maes."

"Don't treat her like an alchemic reaction!"

"I wasn't treating her like…!"

"But she really is, isn't she?"

"We already established that."

"The most perfect, most wonderful, most beautiful baby girl _ever_."

"You _are_ quite biased…"

"You dare to disagree with me? It's practically an established fact, Roy."

"Well, she did inherit everything from her mother. Fortunately."

"Getting a little too cocky there, eh, Mr. Flame Alchemist? Even without your precious gloves?"

"No knives in sight either, Lieutenant Colonel."

"I don't need them to—oh, look, she's waking up! Have you seen a cuter sight?"

"Hmm…"

"Well, now. That right there proves you wrong, Roy."

"What?"

"She has my eyes! Look!"

"…so she does."

"The same shade of green…"

"Hopefully without the spark of mischief. Wouldn't want to set my _goddaughter _on fire accidentally—"

"You wouldn't—wait, you mean…?"

"I can't really refuse, can I?"

"…thanks, Roy. Really."

"Just to get you to shut up…"

"It means a lot."

"I don't really know how to be one, Maes. She'll be like… a test dummy. I don't know."

"You'll do fine."

"I'm not exactly _fatherly_…"

"You've been practicing on Ed and Al. Especially Ed."

"Wait, what? My relationship with Fullmetal is strictly…"

"Mm-hmm. Sure. No favoritism at all."

"That little brat is going to be the death of me…"

"Not overly protective at all, Colonel."

"Maes, I'm really not…"

"I'm just saying. You're more cut out for this than you think."

"Maes…"

-

-

"That went better than expected!"

"Don't patronize me, Maes."

"I'm not, really. You're still the best godfather I could've..."

"I nearly set her on _fire_!"

"Why were you wearing those gloves anyway? Good thing they had an extra bucket of holy water..."

"She would have died!"

"Well, yes, and I would've killed you even if you _were_ my best friend..."

"Is it too late to take it back?"

"No, Roy. Especially after _that_. I kind of think you owe us now."

"It's just not who I am..."

"It's the least you could do. I'm actually surprised I didn't slit your throat then and there..."

"I wouldn't have fought back, really. That would have been quite justified..."

"But then I would have gotten court-marshaled, and Elysia would have lost _two_ daddies..."

"If you miss my jugular, I'd honestly bail you out..."

"Aw, you're lightening up."

"I'm afraid your disease is contagious."

"Doesn't count as one if you enjoy it."

"Does that mean you forgive me?"

"For?"

"Not being a good godfather?"

"Really, you don't give yourself enough credit… oh, wait, you _do_…"

"How can you take this so lightly? I endangered your daughter's life!"

"You'll have to ask her, then."

"She's not in any position to talk, Maes."

"She will be."

"In three years?"

"It'll be sooner than that. She'll be a genius, after all."

"...I just realized, I'll be _thirty _by then..."

"And hopefully married, sheesh!"

"Not that again..."

"To Hawkeye!"

"I'm going to kill _you_, Maes!"

-

-

"Hey, Colonel!"

"I'm busy, Maes. _Someone_ has her gun cocked against my head..."

"Isn't that sweet? Did you ask her out yet?"

"I'm not in the mood for this, Maes. Fullmetal just dumped a _lake_ on someone's head..."

"Whoa, the kid can do that?"

"Apparently, not that I ever wanted to find out..."

"He's probably better than you now!"

"...I highly doubt that. Besides, I wouldn't go through such measures just because my brother was insulted..."

"You don't have a brother... just tons of foster sisters..."

"That's beside the point, Maes."

"Uh-huh, sure. So now you're cranky—"

"—because my paperwork just doubled. Who wouldn't be?"

"Well, don't take it out on me!"

"You're the one who _called._ It's almost like you _volunteered_…"

"Oh yeah. Well, I just rang to tell you that she liked it."

"What?"

"Elysia. She liked her birthday gift."

"Oh. That's a relief."

"How'd you guess that she liked purple?"

"I didn't. You only mention it ten times a day…"

"As if you actually_ listen_. I mean, really, how…?"

"Um, instinct?"

"You mean your _feminine_ instinct? Also known as _Riza_?"

"That's Lieutenant Hawkeye to you. We _are_ on a military line, _Hughes_. Do be professional…"

"Oh, you went shopping together!"

"I hardly call looking at children's clothes _shopping_…"

"That is an improvement from the last five years, Roy! I'm happy for you!"

"Why do you keep assuming that—?"

"Oh, so it's true?"

"There is _nothing_ going on, Maes!"

"Right. And Elysia isn't the cutest little bundle of joy…"

"Don't ignore me, Maes!"

"…who looks even cuter in her new purple dress!"

"_Maes_!"

"And it's all because of you! Thanks again, Roy!"

"Maes…!"

-

-

"Tell me she _wasn't_ the prettiest one there."

"Okay. Maes, Elysia wasn't…"

"Traitor!"

"Hey, I just did what you asked…"

"Pull that smirk off your face, Colonel Mustang."

"Ah, so irritable already?"

"Well, not really. Though you have to wonder…"

"Hmm?"

"Whose idea was it to have a 'military children' parade?"

"It's probably just the Fuhrer's way to show off his son…"

"Selim, was it?"

"Yes. I heard he wants to be in the military when he grows up too…"

"Wow, _another _Fuhrer Bradley. They're intercepting you pretty well, Roy."

"He's still far too young. I wouldn't worry about it."

"Who said age is a factor in being a good soldier?"

"Well, our current basis is the best example of what a good soldier _isn't_."

"You like the kid, and you know it. I don't know who still buys this 'brat' business."

"Fullmetal _is_ a brat, don't deny it. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking, helping him enlist…"

"Do you regret it, though?"

"Well, it has been helping them get to the stone… just… maybe, not under _my_ charge."

"They wouldn't get away with half of what they get away with if they weren't under you."

"…is that good or bad?"

"They lucked out with you, Roy. Ed won't admit it, but that doesn't make it any less true."

"I still can't avoid the guilt, Maes. Sometimes I wish I gave them the chance for normal lives…"

"You didn't _force_ them to join. Besides, it wouldn't be normal living in those bodies, and God knows what trouble they would've gotten into if you didn't…"

"Would you let _Elysia_ enlist?"

"Oh, no way in _hell_, Roy. No way. I'd no sooner let you barbecue yourself than—"

"Hey!"

"It's true. No way will I subject my baby girl to something like _Ishbal_…"

"…"

"Oh, come on, say something."

"You didn't have to bring it up, Maes."

"Don't be a pansy. I was there too."

"Ishbal is the reason I need to get to the top. So that even if kids like Elysia would aspire to be in the military…"

"Oh, trust me, Roy. If something happens to me and you let her get into the military, I'm going to ghost all over your sorry ass."

"You're not going to die before I do, Maes. I won't allow it."

"So as Fuhrer, you're going to grant immortality to your subordinates? Gee, thanks!"

"No. That just means you'll get _older_ than I _ever_ will."

"And by then, you _still_ won't have a wife…"

"Why must you mention that every time…"

"Oh look, Ed's coming. And he looks pretty mad. Must be that outfit you made him wear; he looked _extra_ short…"

"Shit, I think he heard you…"

"Gotta go!"

"No, goddamnit… _Maes_!"

-

-

"Is this Colonel Mustang?"

"The operator for my line is very pissed right now, Maes. Pity, I was thinking of asking her to lunch…"

"I waited ten minutes, Roy! And they play _terrible_ music…"

"That's the punishment for interrupting—"

"Ugh, never mind that. I'm losing my head over here."

"I have reason to believe this is a normal occurrence…"

"Can hold off being a smart ass? I'm serious."

"What brought it on?"

"It's Elysia…"

"Of course…"

"I can hear you rolling your eyes, you know."

"I didn't think that was possible…"

"Oh, just shut up, Roy. My baby is _sick_."

"…sick?"

"Yes, she's sick!"

"…what's wrong with her?"

"I-I don't know!"

"…Maes, really…"

"She feels all hot, and she keeps sneezing, and she keeps saying it's cold but she's burning up, and…"

"Maybe she has a fever?"

"How would you know?!"

"I don't know! Why did you call me for this, anyway?"

"Because you're… you're…"

"I'm not a doctor, Maes."

"But… right. Sorry. Probably just impulsive action…"

"How does that explain it?"

"Well, I call you during every monumental thing in my life…"

"…which is probably why I don't get any work done."

"Oh, screw you, Roy."

"Rather not, Maes. Have you _considered_ calling a doctor?"

"Oh yeah, right. I probably should, now…"

"Don't bother, I'm sending someone over there now."

"…it's kind of nice having you in Central."

"She _is_ my goddaughter."

"See, you don't suck as much after all."

"Thank you, Maes. Is there anything else?"

"Yeah. _Go get married_."

"Hawkeye's standing right beside me, you know."

"Oh, _she_ knows it. And by the way…"

"You're welcome, Maes."

"Don't be a sap. Though I do feel better."

"Good."

"I'll go wait for the doctor. You're the best, Roy."

"Anytime, Maes…"

-

-

"Great job, Uncle Roy."

"…let me sleep, Maes."

"Come on, humor me. It's only twelve-thirty."

"…And I just came from _your_ house."

"Wow, the Flame Alchemist, tired _already_?"

"_You_ didn't spend the _entire _evening giving an alchemic demonstration…"

"You call that a fight? Ed legitimately _beat_ you this time."

"Don't say I didn't let him off easy…"

"Uh-huh, sure…"

"Gracia would have killed me if I destroyed your backyard…"

"Al helped fix things up, it's no big deal. Ed passed out on the couch after some cranberry cordial…"

"I'll add that to my list of height jokes, thank you."

"Nah, I didn't get to thank you, Roy. The kids loved it. Elysia looked so happy, and you know how adorable she is when—"

"Where'd she get the idea, anyway?"

"What idea?"

"That I can… _do_ that."

"Well… she does ask about you. 'Fairy godfather.'"

"If you mention that ridiculous title again…"

"…I told her you had magic powers."

"Great, and when she grows up she'll find out how _horrific_ those _magic_—"

"It won't change her opinion of you, Roy. She loves you."

"What I've done doesn't exactly merit—"

"Don't make me say it again, Colonel. I have enough trouble admitting Daddy Hughes isn't the only man in her life…"

"Come on, Maes. You and I both know I won't measure up to—"

"Geez, learn to accept a compliment, Roy. Oh, here, she wants to talk to you…"

"Isn't it past her bedtime?"

"_Hey there, little cutie! Say 'Hello Uncle Roy!_'"

"Maes…"

"Hello, Unca Roy!"

"…hello, Elysia."

-

-

**There will be a sequel focusing on Roy and Elysia after Hughes' death. For the moment, please leave a review.**


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